Last Act of a Desperate Man
by bjxmas
Summary: 3.14 LDC tag. Sam was right. I wasn't thinking, wasn't myself. I just needed to believe in something this one time. That there was a chance, some hope left. That Dad would come through again, like he had so many times before, like he always did. Two POVs
1. Blind Faith

Long Distance Call tag.

Last Act of a Desperate Man

"_There are people that I would give anything to see again." _- Dean Winchester, CSPWDT

Chapter One - Blind Faith

Sam was right. I wasn't thinking, wasn't myself. I just needed to believe in something this one time. Just this _one time._ That there was a chance, some hope left. That Dad would come through again, like he had so many times before, like he always did.

My whole life I've always needed proof with my own two eyes, confirmation that things really existed. Hell, I've seen enough evil in the world, but the good's been few and far between. Fleeting glimpses, if that.

I'm dying. I'm staring down the barrel at this thing… Hell, for real… forever… and I'm scared. I am freaking terrified and I needed to believe. For once I was the emotional girl hoping against hope and putting all faith in a miracle. _Desperate…_ that's the word for it. I'm going to Hell in a few weeks and I am scared and desperate and willing to believe anything.

I wanted to believe so badly that there was a way out of this… And I wanted to believe in Dad… I _needed_ to believe in Dad.

Sam was the voice of caution, hesitant… skeptical. I still don't get why. He's as desperate to save me as I am. Maybe it's that natural yin and yang brother thing. We just seem to balance each other out. Always an adversary on hand to argue the opposing side. Like a high school debate assignment, you assume the viewpoint you're assigned, not what you believe in your heart. After the first one picks a side the other automatically takes the opposing view. Maybe that's just what brothers do.

I don't really know why. It just seems that way.

It really hurt that Sam didn't believe me, didn't stand by me in support when I needed him. It was so not like Sam. Maybe he has changed. He's harder, more shut off. Maybe it's what he needs to do to carry on without me. I don't know. All I know is I missed my brother. I wanted him there by my side telling me it was going to be alright. That we could both believe in Dad at the same time and trust his love would see us through. That he really did have the answer to saving me.

I wanted to believe so badly.

It doesn't make any sense, but I was scared to talk to Dad. What do I say? What _could _I say? I sure don't understand it. I've never been afraid of Dad… ever. It's not like I'm a civie either, freaked out by the very thought of a ghost. But this was _Dad, _and he was gone… left us over a year ago and I was scared to talk to my own father.

It's like everything's jacked sideways and I'm not sure how to respond to anything anymore. Like I'm tumbling down some freakin' rabbit hole and there's only blackness surrounding me.

And just for the record, I don't hate my dad… _I don't_.., regardless of what that other me said in my dream. Never have, but I will admit there's something there… a growing resentment, a bottled-up anger… a bitter realization that maybe he wasn't perfect… that maybe he did screw up both his kids more than I ever saw.

I've always known I was messed up, but I never blamed Dad for that… just thought it was me. My weakness, my need, my fucked up childhood that left me broken and unable to function like a normal man. Left me a freak whose only purpose in this world was to care for his family and kill as many evil sons-of-bitches as I possibly could.

I always thought Sammy was okay or… _would be_ okay. At least he was the closest any Winchester was ever gonna get to being normal. And that's what he always wanted… _normal._ I tried my damndest to give him everything he ever needed. To try and let him be a regular kid as long as possible, to shield him from the horrors of our lives for just a bit longer. I did the best I could and I thought I did alright by him, but now I'm not so sure.

Maybe we're both damned. Our fate cast by that demon years ago.

I don't know what else Dad might have done to try and save us back then. I do know it had to be tough on him. Hell, I was there; I saw how it tore him up. He was thrown down the freakin' rabbit hole too. But he was full-grown, a man and a father, and he had a responsibility to his family, to his kids.

I don't want to believe it but maybe he did fail us…

_Or _maybe not. Maybe we'd have been dead a long time ago without his obsessive drive to find the answers and train us to be warriors in this supernatural war.

I guess we'll never know for sure what the truth is, but I really wanted to believe in _this_ truth. I really wanted to believe Dad would be there for me when I needed him.

God, I miss him.

I miss knowing I could always depend on him, even when he wasn't there… that somehow, someway, he'd come through for me if I really, truly needed him. That he'd never let me down… even when he did. I guess I just never saw it or accepted it. Never believed in what was right before my eyes… guess I did go on blind faith even then.

But then I guess that's what sons do. We believe in our dads even if it isn't deserved.

_What you need to know, Sammy, is our dad's a superhero. _

'Cause if you can't believe in your own dad, then what the hell can you believe in?

TBC

_Sammy answers Dean in the next and final chapter that will post tomorrow. Reviews would be lovely. Thanks for reading, B.J._


	2. Pure Faith

"_You don't have to handle this alone." _– Sam Winchester, CSPWDT

Chapter Two - Pure Faith

I know Dean needed to believe. I wish I could have believed too, but something just seemed off. I'm not sure what, but somehow I knew this was too good to be true. Maybe it was the hunter's code Dad ingrained in us as kids; that at least one of us needed to stay detached, with a healthy skepticism… a critical eye. Maybe it was instinct or intuition. Whatever it was, it's kept us alive this long and that's saying something.

Maybe I was scared to believe. Maybe even a small part of me, like an infinitesimal part, _was_ jealous that Dad might miraculously save Dean from beyond the grave when I'd been working my butt off for almost a year and couldn't do it.

No, that is _not _true.

Dean may have thought I was still butting heads with Dad, but that's not what this was about. Hell, I'd have welcomed the news if Dad could have actually saved Dean. After all, that's all I want… all I need.

Somehow, I just knew…

The fact is we had no hard proof and Dean had always needed proof before. This was totally out of character for him, but then again… our lives are weird and this last year has been even weirder. Stranger things have happened than Dean changing his mind about something.

The hurt in his eyes when I brought up the questions, my reservations, well… that just about did me in. I didn't want to hurt him, or doubt that he was acting rationally, but the truth was, he wasn't. He was going on blind faith.

I guess I can't blame him. He was desperate… I am too.

It just seemed like one of us needed to keep our wits about us. As much as we both wanted to believe, someone had to show restraint. Use a bit of caution before we got in over our heads. It's what Dad would have expected from us. Funny, that _I _was the one to follow Dad's wishes… yeah, _real funny._

Dean was so willing to believe, to trust that there was a way out. I think back to all the times Dean had nothing to believe in. How he learned at four that angels weren't watching over him, that no one was. That we were on our own in this crap hole of a world.

That's a tough lesson for anyone to learn, let alone a four year old boy who just lost his mom.

Doesn't every little boy have the right to believe?

So Dean put his faith in Dad.

_What you need to know, Sammy, is our dad's a superhero._

And he was… in Dean's eyes.

Dad was the only one Dean ever had to believe in so he did. He needed to know someone was watching over him, protecting him. I can't even imagine what it would have been like for him if he hadn't at least had that.

Dean had Dad watching his back and I had Dean. Now that Dad's gone I know Dean's felt this tremendous pressure to do it all. He'd always assumed the responsibility for protecting his family and especially me even before Dad died; but _after_… it was ten times worse and Dean had to deal with it all. And the burden was heavy: the weight of Dad dying and giving up his soul so Dean would live, the painful last order that he might have to kill his own brother if he couldn't save me, facing the demon's master plan for all the special children, and then me going and getting myself killed.

And now Dean's deal… one year and then an eternity in Hell. I know he's freaked out. I _know_ him. I've been watching him since I was four years old and I can see how scared he is, and I really can't blame him. I mean… _God, Dean_… So, yeah, he wanted to believe and I took that away from him. And I am so sorry for that.

God, how I wish it _had_ been true.

I guess a part of me always did resent Dean's blind faith in Dad. I know Dad tried, but the truth is we were on our own a lot. But honestly, looking back now, I totally get it. A son sees himself in his dad, and he needs to believe in him. See, I've always had faith in Dean. I guess you couldn't call it blind faith though 'cause I had plenty of reason to believe and not a single reason not to. I've seen Dean come through for me too many times for it to ever be called blind faith… it's pure. Pure faith, unwavering, dependable and true…

My whole life Dean's never let me down… _ever_. Dean's always been there for me, even when he should have died… even when I _did_ die. You know, back at the hospital the Doc said Dean was fighting very hard but we needed to have realistic expectations... doctor's code for your brother's not going to make it. But even with a reaper stalking him Dean refused to let go 'cause his family needed him. But that's my big brother, my protector. That's what he does. He held on until Dad made the deal to save him.

And then I went and died and Dean was the ultimate protector, giving up his own life and soul for _me_. And he did it without any hesitation or regret. Dean _did_ that… for _me._ He's always done whatever it took to take care of me.

I have to do the same now. Whatever it takes… I have to save Dean.

I've always had faith in Dean and now he needs to have faith in me. It scares the crap out of me, being responsible for Dean's life. But it's time; I'm not just the kid brother anymore.

Dad's not here and he's not coming. It's you and me, bro. And I _am_ here and I am _not_ letting go…

Together, if we just hold on, have faith in each other, we can beat this… I know we can 'cause there's no other option for us.

I have to have faith in that…

Call it blind faith if you will, but when it's Dean and me…

It's real…

It's pure…

It's undeniable.

It's _us,_ and we're gonna make it, one way or another.

This time, big brother, I've got your back.

The End

bjxmas

May 2008

All standard disclaimers apply.


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